I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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