She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
