Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
