He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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