I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
