He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
