just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
