So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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