my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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