I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
