The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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