so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
