3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
