Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
