Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
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