So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
