If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
