I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
