dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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