Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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