she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
