you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
