it wasn't lemon gatorade
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
