I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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