I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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