Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
