he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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