I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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