For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
