This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
