I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
