I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
