stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
