Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
