We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
