I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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