Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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