Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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