I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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