Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
