You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
