Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
