so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
