I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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