You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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