nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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