Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
