Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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