A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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