i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize