o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
