Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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