I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
