i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
